Many many many people have been inundating you with Top Ten lists lately. But this… this is something different. Something important. Something amazing and beautiful.

This is a list of the Top 10 weirdest search terms people used to find Stand By For Mind Control in 2012.

Now, if you don’t operate an internet site, you may not know that all kinds of (anonymous) information gets recorded when you visit a webpage. That data is then compiled for webmasters by stats programs. It includes what browser types your visitors use. What country they’re in. How long they stayed on any given page. And, of course, what boneheaded things they typed into Google that led them to your blog in the first place.

Browsing this list is one of the highlights of my day. Now, I share this joy with you. Following are my favorite ten search terms in increasing order of unintentional brilliance.

10. Decennial sexy

Okay. Not that exciting. But I guess if you only want to be sexy once every ten years, excitement is not your middle name. For the record, I checked. We’re the first hit for “decennial sexy”!!! Can I get a what-what? Big time, here we come!

9. Are parasites ancient biological weapons

Good question! Anyone? The correct answer is “no.” Once something controls another thing, then it is no longer considered a weapon. It is considered a master. In this analogy, you are your own gimp suit. And soylent green is people.

8. Babes catching fish

I know, right? What could be better than babes catching fish? Just in case lots of people are searching for this, I’ll include a photo. I have to say, though; I’m not sure what’s more disturbing—that there are so many websites devoted to babes catching fish or that so many blatantly disregard safety in favor of the comfort of fishing topless.

7. Can vampires control zombies

I am so glad that the internet is fostering inquisitive minds! Sure. Vampires can control zombies as long as they use parasites as ancient biological weapons.

6. Men mind control pants storeys

Boy, I sure do wish this one had some punctuation. Is it “Men MIND control pants storeys” or “Men; mind control pants; storeys”? Personally, control pants stories do not bother me so much. I am less keen on my mind being controlled by my pants, particularly if they are corduroys.

Monkeyboyism is a serious disease. Won’t you help? Please send your banana to…

5. You are monkey boy

There’s no need to be mean. But I have to wonder, who is searching for this term? And why? Are they looking for information on their condition? Perhaps seeking a support group? Is there a monkey boy support group? There should be.

4.Half woman half snake

How about half woman, half snake, HALF CUTTLEFISH! Or half woman, half snake, half other-half-of-woman! That would be awesome. If, like, the snake bit was in the middle.

3. Classic zombie dick right there

I know. Totally. That’s some classic zombie dick right there. And, when one’s a connoisseur of zombie dick, you just have no tolerance for post-modern zombie wanger. And the zombie dick we have on Stand By For Mind Control? 100% classic zombie dick.

2. Hippies gather with the mule

Run! The secret is out! Now everyone knows and the mule is going to be fucking PACKED. You’re going to have to wade through a serious throng of hippies to get your chance near the mule.  You’ll be lucky just to get a fistful of mane and some of that lusty patchouli-mule smell. (Don’t even think about it. I’ve got dibs on making that into a perfume. I’ll advertise it in Maxim.)

and, my favorite search term of the year…

1. Timecop Yourself

What’s that, wiseguy? You don’t think this Top 10 list is so important after all? Well why don’t you just go timecop yourself then, huh? That’s right. YOU. GOT. TOLD. Shazaam! Van Damme! Search for THIS, chump!

Can we all promise to tell someone to go timecop themselves at some point this week? How amazing would that be if we could popularize this phrase? I know. Pretty awesome, right? I knew I could count on you, monkey boy. I’ll see you at the mule.