9:00 – Like a corpse dragged from one grave to another because of the condos going up in what was once a convenient swamp, so too is this show dragged and dragged and dragged.

Actress. Will it go to the 9 year old? I hope so. Nope, Jennifer Lawrence. Jessica Chastain and Zero Dark Thirty are getting nothing tonight. Oops, fell down. A classic flustered actrees speech. Didn’t anyone tell her that best actor/actresses winners can go over the 30 seconds before being played off?

Actor. Will anyone upset Danny Day? Blood’s been spilt! And no one does. Danny Day gets himself number three. Best joke of the night to Daniel. He was going to swap with Streep and play Thatcher. Nice. Still more jokes! I guess after winning two of these, he’s a bit more carefree up there.

Nicholson to do Picture. What a prince. “I don’t know what he’s saying, but it’s dirty and I like it.”  – Ms. Squirrelfoot.

Um, what? Michelle Obama? This is weird. What the fuck is she on about? Is she running for office? You’re talking about a bunch of movies, you loon.

It is, indeed, Argo. You’re a producer, Affleck? You sneaky devil. You get your Oscar after all. You’re a genuinely sweet guy…you just can’t act, and you’re directing is mediocre.

Yawn. That was exactly as boring as predicted, with an extra surpise amount of tasteless, smug, creepiness, thanks to Seth MacFarlane. What? The chipmunk girl is on stage? There’s another unlistenable song? Damn you to hell, Oscars! Damn you to hell!

 

8:40 – Cocaine trees. What? I missed that joke. Of Seth, “He is so sad.” – Ms. Squirrelfoot.

Best Director. We can all rest easy that it’s not going to be Ben Affleck. Sorry, Spielberg. Sucker! You thought Lincoln was a shoe-in. But it’s Ang Lee. For a movie I wanted to kill myself after sitting through. So it goes. Lee is pleasantly bemused. Although he did just say something about a “golden statue of my heart,” which I’m glad I only half heard. He thanks the agent and the lawyer! We are all so very interested in your legal help, Oscar winners. Please keep us informed.

What? Actor and Actress come after Director now? Is that new? What’s going on? Where’s my drink?!

 

8:30 – The show that never ends. I feel weak and punchy. Only the biggies left. Which they will drag out unconscionably long. I hope Shatner comes back. And eats Seth MacFarlane.

It’s Dusty and Charlie. What a pair. Of freaks! Adapted Screenplay. Argo. Argo? Not a good screenplay. Nice spastic writer guy, though. Original Screenplay to Tarantino, which is insane. His screenplays are a crazy mess. He writes nice roles for actors, as he’s now yammering about. Too bad the movies are disasterous. Nice way to stay on stage, Quentin. At least the man is entertaining.

 

8:15 – The commercials are coming thick and fast here at the end of the show. A Rex Reed joke, Seth? “Who’s Rex Reed?” – Ms. Squirrelfoot. Exactly. Who indeed.

They’re really milking Chicago. Which, to remind you, sucked. Best Score. What?! John Williams didn’t win? But he always wins. This is an outrage! Nice speech. Family thanked, no agents or lawyers or studio executives.

Best Song. I hope it goes to Goldfinger. That song rules. Skyfall does not rule. But Adele is famous and it sold a lot. Wait, a song from Ted was nominated? Egads.

 

8:04 – “Oh shit, it’s back.” – Me.

In memorian. For a moment I thought Barbra Streisand was gone too, but no, that’s actually her. And she’s singing. This show isn’t a train wreck. It’s a train wreck of a train wreck. A sideshow of a sideshow!

 

7:55 – Is this show still on? Am I still here? What is that horrible pain in my brain? Aah! Nicole Kidman. Amusingly nervous. If you’re amused by creepy woman flubbing lines on live TV. Tarantino looks on, not amused. More best picture nominees. Is Silver Linings going to upset Argo? It’s got that upsetty vibe about it.

Was that a wizard joke? I’m feeling ill at this point. As is, apparently, Kristen Stewart, who is way drunker than I am. Or on crack. Or best of all, she cares about this show exactly as much as anyone should. Production Design goes to Lincoln. My feet itch.

Was that a joke making fun of Selma Hayek’s accent? Classy, Seth. Honorary Oscars. Hal Needham, you’re the man. The four honorees stand up and sing a barbershop quartet song. Amazing!

 

7:40 – It’s Academy President time, folks. Hooray! Ooh, a museum. There’s so little info about movies out there, this is really going to be a boon to today’s youth. Speaking of whom, here they are. What did they win again?

Of Sandra Bullock, “It’s be great if she just walked on and punched him.” – Ms. Squirrelfoot. Yes, someone should punch Seth very soon. Editing time, where normally the movie with the most editing takes home the award. I’m guessing Argo. I win! Yes! I’d like to thank my first beer, and my third, and my television for making this all possible.

So listen, Adele, you’re going to sing your James Bond song on the Oscars, isn’t that great? Oh, and also? Shirley Bassey is going to sing Goldfinger first. Good luck out there!

 

7:20 – “We’re going through this beer faster than I thought we would.” – Ms. Squirrelfoot.

Aw yeah, the tech awards! Where a sexy woman gives awards to graying nerds. I love it.

Yes, Seth, you did make Ted. And then he tells a urine joke. You’re killing it, Seth. Keep it up. Ah! Animated bear! Ms. Squirrelfoot just fled the room in terror. I envy her. Sound Mixing, people, this show is getting crazy. Les Mis wins it! After all, it certainly had a lot of sound in it. People sang things, as I understand it.

The bear tells Jewish jokes. Hilarious. Best Sound Editing is up. A tie? Can they do that? Craaaaazy. More long white hair, but not as good as the first guy. And the next guy too! Do all sound effects editors have long hair? Get a haircut, hippies!

Nazis! This show has everything. Including Christopher Plummer. Who is, yes, still alive, I’ve just learned. Best Supporting Actress. So, do we really like Sally Field? Odds are on Hathaway. I predict a Sally upset. Because good god am I bored. Damn! Thwarted again. Hathaway is still quite nipply this evening. Sounds like she had an affair with Jackman. You read it here first. What was that about fondue suffering in real life? Was there a lot of fondue in Les Mis? This is a very confusing show.

 

7:05 – Foreign film. No surprises here. Amour. Guess I should watch that one sooner or later.

Haven’t they fired Seth yet? Why is he still talking? Play him off, orchestra.

Travolta looks weirder than ever. Dance routine time. I remember Chicago. One of the worst movies ever made. Thanks, Travolta. What does this have to do with anything? Hey, a musical got made this year, and there was that other one a few years ago, so let’s stick them together. Right. Good idea. This song reminds me that the movie All That Jazz is 100 times better than anything nominated for anything this year. Okay, so they decided that enduring all of this year’s best song nominees would be so dreadful that instead they went with Goldfinger and a bunch of songs from old movies people actually like. Smart, yet so very sad.

Didn’t we see this exact clip compilation of Les Mis already? Oh wait. It’s Wolverine…and he’s singing! “Look at that brocade suit–that’s nuts!” – Ms. Squirrelfoot. If I have to hear Russell Crowe sing, there’s going to be trouble. No! Stop! Ahhhhh! There does not exist enough beer in the world to endure this! NOOOOOO!!!

 

6:45 – It’s live action short time, folks. Everyone’s favorite. And the winner is…the one with the little girl in it. I’m still singing Goldfinger. What’s this? Documentary short? Is there one about the holocaust? Because it’s a lock. Oh wait, no, it’s for something else. I have no idea what. Aha, a homeless artist. Polite applause.

Liam Neeson comes out and beats Seth MacFarlane to a pulp! Oh, I guess not. More best picture nominees. To the strains of When The Levee Breaks. My goodness, what a trio of Important Movies. I feel unimportant just watching this.

A Lincoln death joke, followed by the required “too soon” joke. More Seth jokes. This is like having live badgers in your pants. Affleck makes a joke no one notices. Yikes, he can’t even read a teleprompter. Is he drunk? Best Doc. Is there one about the holocaust? Because it’s a lock. It’s Searching For Sugarman! Which I have sitting on my coffee table. Guess I’d better watch that.

 

6:25 – And it’s our first George Clooney is sexy joke. And waxing. This is indeed a classy broadcast. Costume Design. It’s anyone’s game. Anna Karenina is the winner! A movie no one in the audience saw. Another short speech. These people must have been threatened with death if they spoke too long.

Makeup and hairstyling? Since when did those sneaky hairstylers get their name in there? And it’s Les Mis, which didn’t have nearly enough Hobbits in it. Of course the Hobbit had entirely too many.

And it’s Seth being creepy again. Halle Berry looking like an extra in Metropolis. The James Bond montage. A bit uninspired. Shirley Bassey singing Goldfinger? Okay. I’ll take it. Way to nail that, Shirley. I think we just saw the highlight of the show.

 

6:10 – What in the hell is going on? Paul Rudd and a large woman are doing voices badly. Crickets in the audience. And the animated short Oscar goes to–I’m guessing the Disney one. What a shocker! It’s the Disney one! What are the odds? Blissfully short speech. Animated features up now. What do you think? Pixar? It’s a longshot, but…oh my god! It’s Brave! It’s Pixar! Nice, a man in a kilt.

And now we seem to be about to endure some kind of horrible song medley of best picture nominees. Wasn’t Les Mis panned by everyone in the universe? How did that get nominated? Life of Pi, ick. Beasts of The Southern Wild, an actual good movie. Good luck winning anything.

Hey Seth, why not make a joke about the 9 year old and when we’re going to get to see her breasts? You’re getting close to doing it and…nice restraint…you creepy weirdo.

And it’s the Avengers and Best Cinematography. Jeremy Runner, the single most unfunny man alive. Why is he in everything these days? And the winner has amazing hair! Best hair of the night! They’re giving his hair its own Oscar! It’s an Oscar first! Hooray! Charmingly flustered. I love him. “I want a doll of him so I can comb his hair.” – Ms. Squirrelfoot.

But wait, there’s more. Visual Effects. I remember Prometheus. Yep, more Pi. Hey visual effects guy, don’t tell jokes. Also, basing a movie on bestseller is not much of a risk. And the music plays him off, but no, his mic is cut. Classy.

 

5:50 – Oh boy, it’s an award. Supporting Actor. Philip Seymour Hoffman is a supporting actor in The Master? Hm. I think they should give the Oscar to Tommy Lee Jones’s wig. And it’s the German! Tarantino looks sweaty and happy. Christoph’s a nice enough fella. And he’s out, before the music plays. Nice work.

 

5:30 – And we’re off. Seth MacFarlane? Really? Yikes. This is going to be a long night. No one else can believe you’re here, either, Seth. And it’s an Affleck is snubbed joke! Nominate 9 movies for picture and 5 for director, guess what’s going to happen? Good god, Seth is pausing for laughs that aren’t there. Ms. Squirrelfoot has just pounded the last of her beer and run to the kitchen for more.

Nice to see Jack Nicholson in the front row with sunglasses, which he’s been doing since I was born, more or less.

Shatner! Things are picking up. Yes, the show is a disaster. Tell him, Kirk. We’d rather Letterman came back. And now…Boob jokes? This is not going over well. Not at all. Stares of disbelief from the audience. I’m not one to be offended by, well, anything, but reducing actresses to being naked is not the best call. So this bit is going to last how long?

“I’m going to throw up.” – Ms. Squirrelfoot.

Sock puppets? You wish you were half as funny as Sifl & Olly, Seth.

Haven’t these bozos ever heard of the rule of three? How many awful bits are in this bit?

He looks like a fucking rabbit in that nunsuit. Poor Sally Field.

Billy Crystal was at least charming when he sang dopey songs about movies. This guy is vile. Is this show ever going to start?

 

5:25 – The Oscars are being polished by a group of British butlers, led by Denson, professional Oscar polisher. Now we’re in the control room, reminding me of the control room at the start of Dawn of The Dead, zombies running rampant. Or maybe it was Renee Zellweger that reminded me of that.

 

5:14ish – And we’re on the red carpet. Anne Hathaway is looking a bit nipply this evening. Who is the horrifying woman interviewing? Did she swallow a chipmunk? They’re looking at shoes. Hathaway has guessed something about shoes! Yes!

It appears that the pre-Oscar interviews are segregated by race. Not sure that’s a good call, Academy.

Daniel Day Lewis is now being thanked for bringing Lincoln back from the dead for all of our children to appreciate.

I am deeply grateful not to have watched any more of this red carpet business. The final countdown begins! Say, remember The Final Countdown? Why is no one talking about that movie tonight?

Ms. Squirrelfoot is presently squirming. And the show hasn’t even begun. It’s going to be a long night.

 

5:00 PM – Welcome to the first ever First International Universe-Wide Stand By For Mind Control Live Blogging Main Event Of The Century, in which we shall, for the pleasure of all sentient beings, offer our sure to be thoughtful thoughts on a night and an event sure to be jam-packed with rich celebrities in fancy attire smiling at bad jokes, doing their best not to look bored, and every now and then spending 30 seconds thanking their agent, their lawyer, and their manager.

It’s five now, and I’ve yet to turn on the television. The red carpet awaits. Who will win? Who will lose? Who’s hosting this thing? I don’t know the answers yet. But together, me and you (there’s got to be one person reading this…maybe?), we will find out. I’ve never live blogged anything, but I’m led to believe I will continually update this post such that new things appear at the top. My beer is opened. Snacks are on the table, prepared by the lovely Ms. Squirrelfoot. The TV beckons. Here we go.