The screaming has already started. Maybe that means that Christian Bale has been spotted on the red carpet. Or it may mean that those peons who have crowded around the 86th Annual Academy Awards to catch a glimpse of celebrities are being fed into industrial audience furnaces so that the heat of their paltry souls can power a scant few frames of the next superhero film. In either case: they are getting their brief and meaningless connection to Hollywood.

Let Stand By For Mind Control’s live and already crotchety Academy Award coverage begin!

Here at SB4MC central, I, the Evil Genius, will be drinking as much as possible and typing as accurately as possible as …. oh shit. Jeremy Renner just got dissed for Jared Leto. Let the GAMES BEGIN! I am already regretting signing up for this duty.

5:00 pm

There is nothing quite so painful as actors making small talk on live television. Then, on the other hand, there’s Lupito Nyong’o wearing a dress she designed and I think I may have a new Hollywood crush.

In contrast, I think I just lost an eye looking at Angelina Jolie’s tits.

5:07 pm

Oh good. A second-rate talk show host doing skits with a third-rate presenter about Tweets. In case you were considering watching the Oscars, let me be the voice of reason. This may be the most painful thing I’ve seen since Jay Leno retired.

5:13 pm

Does Will Smith know the Razzies just voted him worst actor in tandem with his son Jaden? Wait. Now they’re reminding me of what’s been nominated. In case you forgot: Gravity is the big tiger and 12 Years a Slave is the stomach of the big tiger which is hungry.

I think that was just Emilia Clarke dressed like Strawberry Shortcake. Looks like I’ve got a new Halloween costume all lined up. (Not true. I’ve already decided I’m going to be Vince Clortho.)

5:20 pm

In case you hadn’t noticed, Hollywood is reminding us that they have the means to control the weather and they promise to only use it for good and to make Jack Nicholson’s hair look totally crazy-pants.

 5:24 pm

If Oscar advertisements can be believed, it seems Clarence Boddicker has been RESURRECTED into a new ABC television show. I can’t wait for him to go all “Bitches. Leave.” on his co-stars. Only 6:03 until the giant opening number. If there is a giant opening number. I hope we get some good old fashioned dance moves and a little of Martin Scorsese twerkin’.

5:27 pm

Okay kids, this is it. It’s about to get real. That means if you want to email or comment to keep me from having to type too much while intoxicated, you are so encouraged. I can’t wait for Liam Neeson to win best actor in a Key & Peele sketch!

5:34 pm

And…. here’s Ellen. No dancing? But at least she’s dressed like Ludwig van Beethoven. A call out for June Squib, who’s going to win for Best Name. Ellen is not bad for a host so far. I don’t actually want to kill her yet. Maim, maybe.

5:37 pm

Enough patter. I wish Scorsese was twerkin’. Or Neil Patrick Harris. That may be my refrain tonight: bring me Neil Patrick Harris.

5:42 pm

Starting with Best Supporting Actor? I may not have watched the Oscars for a while, but this seems to be getting to the meat awfully early. I suppose I should have seen Dallas Buyers Club? Too late now. Based on these clips, I’m giving the award to the cat from Inside Llewyn Davis. 

What? Jared Leto? That is a total left-field surprise. NO ONE thought Leto would win. But everyone thought that when he got on stage he’d eat his Oscar. Dude looks hungry.

5:47 pm

Jim Carrey looks like Skeletor. Oh good, an LSD joke. I can’t wait for the cops to sic the drug dogs on him.

5:50 pm

I have no idea why we just saw a tribute to animation. Or why they haven’t cut the musical numbers. Watching Pharrell dance amid the glowing Oscar statues reminds me of the Police video for King of Pain. Also, coincidentally, watching Meryl Streep try to dance with Pharrell also reminds me of King of Pain.

6:00 pm

Costume, hair, and makeup is up. That’ll be American Hustle. That terrible film has to win something.

Whoa! An upset. I guess American Hustle will have to win for Best Excuse for a Film? Instead we get a brassy Aussie for The Great Gatsby. I think it’s just rude of her to draw attention to her cleavage after stealing an award from American Hustle. Cleavage was that film’s biggest draw.

Let’s hope The Lone Ranger wins for best makeup…

Damn. Dallas Buyers Club. I guess I should see that.

If putting a bird on your head isn’t enough to win you an Oscar, I’m screwed. I’m also going to throw out this damn bird.

6:06 pm

Harrison Ford is still alive! He’s quoting Marlon Brando! Coincidence? Have another drink, Harry. You look like you’re about to beat a Wookie in space chess.

Can someone explain to me why American Hustle is nominated as Best Picture? Dallas Buyers Club at least looks like a film that I should see. The Wolf of Wall Street… I’ve got nothing else to say about it.

Channing Tatum, though, he knows how to make Harrison Ford look old. Good work Tatum-tots. Let’s hope this is enough to ensure we don’t get another Indiana Jones movie.

6:16 pm

Hah! Mickey Mouse got served by some French animated short! Mr. Hublot! I cannot wait until I get to take the whole family to Mr Hublot World!

And animated feature; man, they’re moving faster than I can type while drunk. Kim Novak is trying to work her botoxed faceparts…. and it’s Frozen! Mickey wins after all! Phew. That was scary there for a minute. If Disney can’t own the Academy Awards, then the whole basis for modern society is threatened.

6:20 pm

How can you put Braveheart and In the Heat of the Night in the same montage? It’s like you have no idea what a good film is? Lawrence of Arabia and Lee Daniels: The Butler? Sounds like a match made in heaven.

Visual Effects: Gravity seems to be a lock for this one. Sorry everyone else. You picked the wrong year to make a movie. And yes. It’s Gravity.

6:26 pm

Almost an hour in and what have we learned? We’ve learned that two beers seriously effects my ability to type. Also, even when they’re charging hard, the Oscars are duller than spit.

Let me take this musical number as an opportunity to go to the bathroom. Let me know if I miss anything.

6:30 pm

And we’re back. Oh shit. Ellen has a guitar. Phew. That was close.

Time for Best Live Action Short Film, the one you’ve been waiting for. The Oscar goes to one of them! Hooray one of them! I just won a bazillion toads! And time to eat something. Sorry Martin Freeman, better hope that that third Hobbit film sucks 9x less than the first two.

6:34 pm

I’d write about Best Documentary Short Subject but even I can’t pretend I care about who wins.

Time to swap this category out for Best Nostril Party. I don’t know what that means but it sounds more interesting.

6:40 pm

Bradley Cooper is now up to present for Best Documentary Feature. The Act of Killing was amazing. But then, I didn’t see any of the other nominees, so… yeah. It’s 20 Feet from Stardom, which makes sense because it’s about background singers and the Act of Killing was the most powerful piece of film I’ve seen perhaps ever.

Screw this. I’m eating some tacos.

6:51 pm

Those tacos were good. Also, if you care, Steve Martin, Angelina Jolie, and some other people got honorary awards. Ellen ordered pizzas for everyone, but I already had tacos, so whatever.

Now we’re getting Best Foreign Language Film. I’d like to see The Broken Circle Breakdown, but I haven’t. Actually, all these films are ones I mean to see. The Great Beauty takes it, even though I heard it was pretty dull.

If they were smart, they would have had Roberto Benigni accept the award for them. That guy slays.

6:55 pm

If I had known that U2 was going to play I would have waited to eat my tacos. Maybe Bono will start twerkin? Frankly, as long as someone twerks I’m good. My money is on Jeremy Renner.

7:04 pm

The Oscars have entered their 9th hour and I’m on my second case of Natural Light. I may be exaggerating slightly, but that’s how it feels.

Rather than try to make the Academy Awards briefer, why don’t they actually make it more interesting? Here’s an idea: let’s tell all the presenters they’ll get a teleprompter with jokes but instead we’ll stuff a stoat down their pants.

Actually, let’s do that all the time. More stoats is the answer. It would certainly be more interesting that Ellen Degeneres taking selfies with celebrities.

7:08 pm

Wait. EVERYONE who ever worked in a cinema lab got a special award and they let Christopher Nolan accept it? Shhheeeeeeez.

What an award hog.

Looks like we’re up for Best Sound Mixing. This is a technical award so Gravity will win it. Unless Charlize Theron can pronounce ‘Smaug’ with enough English to overcome.

Hooray! The award went to Inside Llewyn Davis! Except it didn’t. It went to Gravity. Which, when you think about it, is almost indistinguishable from Inside Llewyn Davis.

7:11 pm

The Sound Editing award also went to Inside Llewyn Davis, which is surprising since it wasn’t even nominated.

Anyone know what the black ribbon this awardee is wearing is for? Specifically? Probably for Inside Llewyn Davis.

7:17 pm

Awesome, Best Supporting Actress. As much as I love Jennifer Lawrence, I’m pulling for Lupita Nyong’o. She was a neutron bomb in that film. Although June Squib does have a great name…

Gorgeous. Lupita. Looking stunned and stunning. I don’t know why she brought her brother to the ceremony when I was available, though.

7:25 pm

I seem to be watching celebrities eating pizza. This is a reality show waiting to happen. A really really really boring reality show.

Just think. This time could have been spent with Martin Scorsese twerkin’, but noooooooo.

And, to make that bit seem lively, we’ve got the requisite boring AMPAS speech. Oh! But I got an award for buying one of 5,000,000 tickets. If any press is trying to get through for a comment, I’ll be available shortly.

It’s been 2 hours. I enjoyed seeing Lupita Nyong’o win and also those tacos were good.

7:29 pm

Best Cinematographer is going to go to Gravity. But go Bill Murray for tipping the hat to Harold Ramis and for insisting that this award should go to Inside Llewyn Davis and that Lupita Nyong’o should call me back.

Call me, Lupita. I’ll be up late.

7:33 pm

The award for Film Editing goes to Gravity, too.

Racists.

They must hate Welshmen.

7:35 pm

Whoopi Goldberg just hoisted her skirt. My dreams have come true.

Now, if only they’d show what remains of Liza Minnelli.

SCORE!

7:37 pm

I’ve got a great idea: let’s have Pink sing Somewhere Over the Rainbow with a stoat in her pants.

What? She’s already got one? Kids these days. Well, how about TWO STOATS?! If we don’t start planning this stuff ahead we’re going to have a run on stoats.

This show has got to be almost over, right?

7:44 pm

Because I’m sure no one’s reading this, now seems like a good time to admit that I immolated a school bus full of 3rd graders last week because I was feeling a little chilly.

Benderdactch Clumperfinch is talking about production design. I hope it goes to Joaquin Phoenix’s pants….

nope. Gatsby got it. I know who I’m immolating next.

7:49 pm

Chris Evans just got introduced as “talented”. Is that a dis? It sounds like “a guy who really gives it his all.”

Now we get a montage of big budget Hollywood shit and Jaws. Who puts these things together? Who allows Avatar to remain visible to children? Whoever they are, I’m sure they’re ‘talented.’

7:58 pm

Oh. It’s the death montage. In Memoriam is always sad. Gandolfini, O’Toole. Harryhausen. Elmore Leonard. Syd Casesar. Run Run Shaw. Harold Ramis. Philip Hoffman. Every year, the world is a little less cool.

And then even more uncool when Bette Midler sings The Wind Beneath My Wings. Are you fucking kidding me? Harold Ramis is rolling in his grave hysteric with laughter right now. Quick; someone get Rick Moranis out on stage behind Midler to do a mime duet with her.

8:01 pm

Look at all those people applaud for Bette! They really can act. Awards for everyone!

8:07 pm

Seriously. This show has to be almost over. How can they not have given out any writing awards yet?

What have they done to Goldie Hawn? Is growing old that horrible? I thank my stars that I’m not an actress and that I’m not married to one, unless Lupita feels like calling me.

Call me, Lupita. I’m the captain now.

8:15 pm

Great stories with great scores will blow… your mind. Jamie Foxx is earning his extra X tonight. We’re talking Best Score, and I have no idea who’s going to win this one. Randomly, I’ll pick Joaquin Phoenix’s pants. They had a lot of high notes.

The Oscar goes to: Gravity! Hooray! I was afraid that Gravity was going to get shut out tonight but finally this intimate film has won some acclaim. It’s true what they say, ‘great stories with great scores will blow.’

8:18 pm

Best Song goes to Frozen for Let It Go. Look! There’s Kristen Bell! She’s my friend Jody’s step-sister. So, like, we’re practically related. That’s why she can’t marry me. Also she’s married to some guy named Dax.

I’m not sure that’s a real name. Dax Sheppard? Wasn’t he part of the Gold Squadron in Star Wars?

8:20 pm

If this show doesn’t end soon I’m going to miss Lupita’s call. Hurry the fuck up, Oscar.

8:26 pm

DeNiro is looking more and more like Woody Allen. But at least we’re getting some writing awards, which are clearly the most important. This one’s adapted screenplay and it’s going to 12 Years a Slave or you’re a racist.

Hooray! You’re not a racist!

But Penelope Cruz still won’t sleep with you.

Original Screenplay should go to Inside Llewyn Davis but I’ll settle for Her, since the former wasn’t nominated.

Hooray! I’m not a racist! Penelope Cruz; call me.

8:32 pm

I love watching David O. Russell try to look happy.

What?!? They’re taking a break? It’s EIGHT-THIRTY. I demand that this show end before I’m forced—forced—to make unfunny candles out of Ellen Degeneres’ tears.

8:35 pm

That’s hysterical. The Oscars are brought to us by Sprint. Get it? Because they’re so fucking long.

But seriously folks. I’m here all night. Because the Oscars are never going to end.

Best Director! Awesome. That means we’re almost done.

Sidney Poitier presenting; that’s certainly someone’s idea of a tip to Steve McQueen. How many Black directors have won this award? Zero. Until tonight.

WHAT!?!? Cuaron? That is some serious bullshit. Gravity was approximately 1/12th as good as Children of Men. Technical awards, sure. But directing is about people, it’s about wringing performances from your cast.

This burns my toast. Now Penelope Cruz will definitely not be sleeping with me.

8:44 pm

By my calculations, we’re down to Best Actress, Actor, and Picture. Those should take less than 4 hours to award. Especially if these Ellen Degeneres tear candles start burning faster.

Best Actress will probably go to Cate Blanchett, but Sandra Bullock did have some nice conversations with herself so she’ll probably win. Meryl Streep is like some sort of Stay-Puft Marshmallow Woman of an actress at this point… I’m not sure she’s even human.

Phew. For a second there I thought they were going to give it to Jack Palance. I’ve just got my fingers crossed that American Hustle goes down without a single award.

8:51 pm

And Best Actor! Jennifer Lawrence, whom I adore, looks a little like a squirrel. But in a good way. She’s a good looking squirrel.

This one’s going to Chiwetel if there’s a god, but since there isn’t, I guess McConaughey is acceptable.

There you go: proof that god doesn’t exist.

There’s nine minutes until nine. Think they can wrap up by then? Where’s my twerkin’?

8:58 pm

I’m not sure but I think Matthew McConaughey is freebasing raccoon juice. But I dig his “alright, alright, alright” tag.

Will Smith presenting Best Picture in an ascot? I give up. Just give 12 Years a Slave the award and let me turn this shit off. I swear, if American Hustle wins I’m going to poop in your hat.

And, the Oscar goes to: 12 Years a Slave! Hooray! Your hat is saved! You are not a racist!

Lupita! Call me! Let’s celebrate! Raccoon juice for everyone!

The End

That was horrible. Almost as bad as American Hustle. Please don’t ever ask me to watch that again.