Another year has passed us by, and another crop of little-read posts generated by Mind Control Laboratories is crying out for the attention denied it. Why do some posts attract eyeballs while others poke them with sticks? Because the internet is a vast and mysterious realm ruled by cats, whose tastes and search-habits are notoriously incomprehensible.

Cursed by feline caprice. Such is our fate. While many of our posts attract hundreds of millions of readers (or so), others are lost in the scented depths of the litter box. We feel some are worth saving.

So join us as we scoop out and shake off these delicious lumps of cinematic musings for your enjoyment and edification.

The Supreme Being’s picks:

5. The Coen Brothers From Worst To Best: A Big Ol’ List

A list! Who can resist a list? Well. Apparently quite a lot of you. The number of people who’ve so far resisted reading this post is north of six billion, a fact I admit is a bit disheartening. Who doesn’t have opinions on Coen brothers movies? Who doesn’t want to feel all the indignant rage and/or smug validation at a fallacious/ingenious list of rankings? That’s right. No one on Earth. No one human, that is. I blame feline interference for this one.

4. I Like Two-Lane Blacktop

I think the title is what threw people here. What more is there to say? I can hear you asking. In fact, quite a bit. Reading it, I can only hope you are inspired to watch Two-Lane Blacktop, even if, having seen it once before, long ago, you remember it only as that weird movie where nothing happens. You should watch it again. Like I did. Which watching inspired this post. After writing which I watched Two-Lane Blacktop again.

3. A Field In England: Circular 17th Century Psychedelia

Have you watched A Field In England yet? Perhaps, I might dare to hope, reading this post will inspire you. Because A Field In England is exactly the sort of movie you should be watching if you’re the sort of person who likes watching movies. Such luminaries as myself have even listed it as one of the most intriguing movies of 2014 (yeah, I know, it opened in England in 2013, but this here is the U.S. of motherscratchin’ A., where it opened in 2014, dadgummit!), and such infamous characters as the Evil Genius have dubbed it one of the best films of 2014.

2. At Sopranos End, Tony Lives! Also? He Dies. David Chase Weighs In. But Not Really.

In which I examine the nature of ambiguous endings w/r/t The Sopranos and a comment extorted out of creator David Chase regarding what the curious end to his show means. Have you seen The Sopranos? Of course you have. So you might well find matters pontificated upon herein of interest. If you haven’t seen The Sopranos, what the hell are you doing here? You should be watching The Sopranos. And returning to this post when you’re done.

1. All That Heaven Allows – And Then Some

I can’t believe All That Heaven Allows exists. It is one of the most outrageous movies I’ve ever seen. I hadn’t seen it until this year. A terrible oversight. I’d hoped by falling all over myself writing about it I’d inspire others to watch it posthaste. Alas! Few dared click. I humbly encourage you to be one of the daring few. I’d like nothing more than to raise All That Heaven Allows from the depths of modern movie-going obscurity. You will be very happy you watched it.

 

The Evil Genius’ picks:

5. My Top Five Top Five

While few people actually read my non-review of Top Five, those that did said nice things about it like, “you should be ashamed of yourself,” and “you were snoring really loud last night.” I suppose subliming my complex thoughts about the state of racial inequality in America into a piece about a dopey romantic comedy was ill-advised? Pishedy-poshedy, I declare. You don’t own me. Or read anything I write, it appears, even when I’m baring my soul. This non-review is worth your time even if you have no intention of watching Chris Rock act like himself, but not that convincingly.

4. Fast & Furious Four Real, You Guys

I am stunned — STUNNED — to discover my erudite series covering the entire Fast & Furious franchise was poorly attended. Of all of these articles, the one about Fast & Furious 4 was most criminally ignored. It was, if I do say so myself, kind of funny. And illuminating vis-a-vis Vin Diesel’s acrobatic mouthparts. You are fascinated by Vin Diesel’s mouthparts, right? You are in need of a hearty chuckle, right? Well, get to it then or surely you will be destined to be smashed by a rolling tanker truck. It happens all the time.

3. Whiplash: Interview with Writer/Director Damien Chazelle

C’mon people. Whiplash was one of the best films of the year and I, on your behalf, played inquisitor with the film’s director. I put it to him, as they say. Then I typed up all that was said and done, liberally doused it in Mind Control sauce, and shared it with you. Some interviews are dull, sure. This isn’t one of them, though. Find out what Chazelle thinks of his film’s ambiguous ending. Discover the genesis of Whiplash. See if you can keep uptime. Catch this chair. Sit up. Lie down. Pick a bale of hay. Buy my interview, SUCKERS!

2. Let’s Spend the Night Together and Film It

Look at Mick Jagger’s face. Just look at it. It is full of old man pathos, or cocaine. I understand why many (all) of you neglected to read my longish dissection of a 35-year old concert film directed by Hal Ashby when he was deep in his 1980s tailspin, but I think you’re (all) making a mistake. This film, and my article about it, are both more than they seem. Hal Ashby may have been chaotic in 1981, and you may not particularly care about the Rolling Stones, but Let’s Spend the Night Together is illuminating — particularly if you read this article before you watch it.

1. Watching Detention Will Olden You

Don’t read this article about Detention. You won’t get it. You’re too old, too washed up, too calcified, and your ass probably looks too fat in those jeans. This is a film for the kids and there is no possible reason for you to care what the kids think or like. Your time is over, grandma. Step aside and let the youth of today build a pillow fort in your chest cavity using only the internet of things and, I dunno, Instagram. Words, that’s all this article is, and we’re post-words. Screw vowels. Take your doily-covered narrative conventions and upload them to MySpace. You freakishly old person.

But wait! There’s more!

11. Our Top 10 (Favorite) Least Read Posts of 2013

This list goes to 11, because, as predicted one year ago, one of our least read posts of 2014 is the post listing our least read posts of 2013. By clicking on it, you will send yourself into a everspiralling rabbit hole of cinematic madness. In truth, we’re secretly hoping this post is likewise little read, thus ensuring, next year at this time, a rabbit hole plunging you still deeper into our past.